Ripe Reflections

Duhigg, C. (2012) The Power of Habit, Random House Trade Paperbacks, Canada.

Bulgakov, M. (1994) The Master and Margarita, Grove Press, New York.

Sleepless in Seattle (1993) Directed by Nora Ephron. Available at Prime Video (Accessed: 20 March 2024).

Raikar, S. P. (2024) Black Swan Event. Available at: https://www.britannica.com/topic/black-swan-event (Accessed: 15 June 2024).

Davies, T. (2018) Is someone 'Orbiting' You On Social Media? It May Be Hurting Your Mental Health. Available at: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/someone-orbiting-you-social-media-it-may-be-hurting-your-ncna883721 (Accessed: 3 March 2024).

Oxford Languages (2018) Word of the Year 2018 Shortlist. Available at: https://languages.oup.com/word-of-the-year/2018-shortlist/ (Accessed: 1 March 2024).

Pancani, L., Aureli, N., and Riva, P. (2022). “Relationship dissolution strategies: Comparing the psychological consequences of ghosting, orbiting, and rejection,” Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, Vol. 16, No. 2, Article 9. doi:https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2022-2-9.

Pancani, L., Mazzoni, D., Aureli, N. and Riva, P. (2021). “Ghosting And Orbiting: An Analysis Of Victims' Experiences,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Vol. 38, No. 7, pp. 1987-2007.  doi:10.1177/02654075211000417.

Travers, M. (2023) What Does It Mean When An Ex-Love Keeps ‘Orbiting’ You Online? Available at: https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/10/12/what-does-it-mean-when-an-ex-love-keeps-orbiting-you-online/#:~:text=%E2%80%9COrbiting%E2%80%9D%20is%20a%20dating%20trend,without%20engaging%20in%20meaningful%20interaction (Accessed: 10 March 2024).

The sunk cost fallacy is a phenomenon where people refuse to abandon a strategy or a course of action because they had already invested in it, even though it would be more beneficial to let go. While the phenomenon is often used to guide business decisions, being mindful of it in everyday life could enhance our overall well-being. Hate the book you are reading? You don’t have to finish it. Don’t like the food you are eating? Your body’s not a bin; throw it out. Your friend changed, and the distance between the two of you only seems to be growing? Let them go; not everything is meant to last forever.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau believed that humans are inherently good and pure. Thomas Hobbes disagreed and thought that the natural state of humankind is of war and conflict. Adam Smith was the only one who came close to the truth and stated that people are self-interested beings concerned with the public’s opinion of themselves and the intentions of others. The latter bit, although often forgotten, is quite important because it adds subtle complexity – humans are motivated by self-interest, but not blindly. In other words, if I won the lottery and offered you money, you would accept my offer. However, if I stole money and offered you a chunk, you would, according to Smith, possibly reject my offer depending on your assessment of my intentions and how acceptance of the stolen money might influence the public’s opinion of you as a person.

But why is this relevant to us? It is relevant because societal pressures are not always morally correct, nor are they always present in our lives, and some people outright reject these pressures – killing is okay if your country is at war, cheating might be okay if you never get caught, and theft is alright as long as you are stealing from the rich. Self-interest, however, is a constant – if necessary we will kill, cheat, and steal for our own sake. Some might object and present examples of conscientious objectors, law-abiding citizens, and even “selfless” individuals who give up their own lives to save others to demonstrate the seemingly unselfish nature of humankind. This is a false premise, and we should not be fooled by it – no act is truly selfless because to act, we need to be motivated, and all our motivations evolve from the self. Internalizing this notion will set us free because it will allow us to achieve higher-order thinking and move beyond the limited conceptual framework of good vs. evil.

Often, we pass on valuable life experiences because of negative assumptions – I am not smart enough to apply to X, not good-looking enough to be desired, not experienced enough to try. We disqualify ourselves before we even attempt to succeed, taking on the role of a harsh critic that suffocates our confidence and internal drive. Our tendency to assume, and often assume the worst, creates a negative feedback loop that traps us further in a helpless state. The more we allow our assumptions to control our lives, the more we lose our internal locus of power. In the aggregate, we stop feeling responsible for our lives and become victims of fate. We need to stop assuming and start tackling life head-on to build up our confidence in our abilities.

This is an idea that I expanded on in my first article and is a lesson that I learned the hard way. I was 20 years old when my first relationship ended, and although I wasn’t terribly heartbroken, it still left an impression and impacted my approach to relationships. I became just a tiny bit cynical and found faults in every person who liked me to justify a solitary lifestyle. Of course, being an incurable romantic (courtesy of my divorced parents) and a perfectionist, my cautiousness was rather extreme – I wanted my next relationship to be with “the one,” and I refused to settle for anyone else. In essence, I was keeping my heart safe – I felt that relationships were not worth my while unless I met “the one” and chose to avoid them altogether. I realized with time, however, that I was also avoiding the experiences that make life worth living – keeping my heart locked in a fortress meant that I had to forgo meaningful relationships. I finally understood that a closed heart will only shield me from the heartbreak of a relationship, but it won’t shield me from the heartbreak of a life not lived.

Nine people out of ten will only listen to speak. Where did I get that statistic? My own experience, but this is not important. The key takeaway is that people don’t actively listen – not to people, not to their bodies, not to the universe – and this is the cause of all our problems. This isn’t our fault – after all, most of us are born with the ability to hear, but speech is something we develop, resulting in speech fixation. We also start valuing speech more because it is vital to our survival during infancy, while the ability to hear is largely useless until we develop motor skills to react to the sounds that we hear. However, we need to understand the importance of listening – to our conversation partners, to the way our bodies feels, to nature – because it will allow us to be present in the now. We don’t listen because we are anticipating the next moment – our response to the conversation, what is next on our agenda. If we want to be engaged in reality though, in the now, we need to listen. As Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

The worst has already happened – we were brought to this world to die. We live our lives in fear, and while some of our fears are perfectly rational – not standing too close to the edge or not walking alone at night – most of our fears are irrational, stemming from our illusions of grandeur. It is of course good to think that we are important and that we matter, but it is also worth remembering that we, humans, are minuscule creatures in the vast black void we call universe. We approach life timidly, scared to embarrass ourselves as though there is someone keeping an accurate score of our blunders. In reality, everyone around you is so self-obsessed and tangled in their own illusions of grandeur that no one actually thinks or remembers that one time you did that one stupid thing. So, be brave and actually live life, don’t just exist.

This is a very simple idea and yet, it seems like we can’t arrive at it ourselves without the guidance of self-help books. The problem isn’t exactly us – it’s the way we grow up. We get used to being told what to do, what to want, and when to want it that by the time we are allowed to make important decisions for ourselves, the habit of outsourcing the responsibility of choice becomes too compelling to give up. We become adults who are confined in the same structures we keep in existence. To regain control of our lives, we first need to decide what we desire and then work backward. If we think carefully, we will notice that the version of us that is fulfilled is a completely different person. The only reason why the desires exist in the first place is because we have a mental image of ourselves that currently does not correspond to reality. To merge reality with our desires, we need to understand who we need to be to have what we want to have. If we want to have a fit physique, we need to be active and eat clean. If we want to have a successful business, we need to be entrepreneurs. If we want to have healthy relationships, we need to become romantics. Once we figure out the “who?” we need to think of the “how?” How do we become active people? By getting memberships at our local gyms. How do we become entrepreneurs? By starting businesses and cultivating a business mindset. How do we become romantics? By opening our hearts. Remember that the schema is painfully simple, we just need to act.

The beauty of the human psyche is its flexibility – we can find happiness in virtually all situations. In practical terms, this means that if happiness is a destination, there are many roads that lead to it. In other words, it is possible to live a happy life even if we don’t follow our passion or calling and just stick to ordinary jobs doing ordinary things in ordinary towns. The main difference is how quickly we will arrive at our destination. Our hearts knows the shortest path to happiness, and following our passions is bound to bring us happiness, or rather us to happiness, much quicker than if we dedicate our lives to other less attractive pursuits. Of course, the shortest path is not necessarily the easiest, but the universe has an interesting way of rewarding courage.

Some cultures have a saying – the crying baby gets the milk. I want you to keep this idiom in mind because of its simplicity. It is important to vocalize our needs and desires because, at the very least, the act of saying them out loud allows us to refine them. Vocalizing the desire helps us get clarity; it helps us see whether our desire is aligned with our higher self and purpose. Spiritually, asking sends out our intention into the hands of the higher power, and in practical terms, asking for what we think we deserve lets other people see it too. Put differently, we might not receive that awaited raise or promotion unless we ask, because our bosses are too busy thinking about their own promotions. We need to be comfortable being our own advocates.

The story takes place on a fine August day in 2019. I had just gotten out of a long-term, semi-toxic relationship – my first ever relationship – and decided to celebrate my new-found freedom by getting a tattoo. Somehow in the process, which included two drinks and banter, I ended up with three tattoos. One tattoo larger than originally intended. Another sillier than expected. Regret followed. It is now 2023, and I am still in the process of removing them. Granted, I only started the removal process in 2022, but the point remains – do not get tattoos on a whim.

Our bodies are powerful, self-healing machines. Naturally, they need regular upkeep, and exercise is one of the best ways of preserving and improving our organs, muscles, bones, and joints. There is a study published in The Physician and Sportsmedicine (Wroblewski et al., 2011, pp. 172-178) that investigated the impact of regular exercise on muscle mass and the findings evince that the more we move now, the more we will be able to move in the future. I think the best way of demonstrating my point would be by including a figure from the article itself. Below you can see the MRI scans of a 40-year-old triathlete, a 74-year-old sedentary man, and a 70-year-old triathlete. The picture speaks for itself – the difference in the muscle mass between the sportsmen is minimal despite the age gap, while the man with the sedentary lifestyle lost a significant chunk of his muscles. So, get up and stretch, go out and jog around the neighbourhood, and lift some weights. Controlled pain of exercise today means no debilitating pain in old age.

The internet has generously gifted humanity with an abundance of knowledge, but stole our capacity for reflection. Let me correct myself - the internet didn't exactly steal our ability to ponder, as we are innately wired to contemplate our experiences, but rather put a heavy blanket over our instincts to reflect. By bombarding us with notifications, news, and other content, the internet - regardless of the device it is consumed on - transformed into a pacifier for our brains. Our surroundings became noisier due to the constant overfeeding of media, and the serenity that was once available on a bus ride or an evening stroll disappeared. It is exactly this serenity that fostered deep thoughts and reflections on life. In essence, it would be more fair to state that we have exchanged the serenity of singular moments for easy stimulation, because it freed us from the daunting task of thinking, and thinking of nothing less than life itself. Faced with existential concepts, we were easily lured into the claws of a machine that spewed, and continues to spew, content for money at an ever-increasing pace. Creators and big media alike are constantly in the process of perfecting their algorithms to retain our attention, making it even more difficult to escape the grasp of the media behemoth. We become bloated with information and messages and experience mental fatigue, tricking ourselves into thinking that we have actually engaged in meaningful thought. It is not all doom and gloom, however, because our propensity to make sense of our surroundings will always exist regardless of how deeply buried it is in our minds. We have a natural inclination to philosophize life, but most of us - especially the digital natives - have grown too accustomed to outsourcing the thinking and the reflecting. The only times we actually philosophize is when we are thrown into situations that force reflection such as a painful breakup or an otherwise unfortunate incident. The crux of the matter, as we see, isn't our inability to think deeply, but rather our hesitancy to engage in the complex processes of self-exploration. I invite you to be brave, however, and to resist the urge to consume when you idle away time. Pick up a journal, listen to music, or better yet read Ripe Reflections, and find your own meaning of life.

If we want to be happy, we should not be stingy. I am not talking about money per se, although we shouldn’t embrace a Scrooge McDuck mindset either, as there are worse things that we can skimp on such as time, energy, and feelings. We can think of this from a spiritual position – the universe seeks cosmic balance – thus the more we give, the more we receive. We act as vessels by allowing experiences and possessions pass through us to others. Alternatively, we can think of this logically – the feeling of happiness is manifested with the help of hormones, which are released when we feel love, exercise, listen to music, or simply laugh. Anything that is worth experiencing in life requires an investment from our side. So, if our goal is to be happy, we can’t afford to be stingy on life.

All of us have ideas. I would even say that all of us, at least once in our lifetimes, will have a genuinely great idea – an original, unique thought that might impact the world if executed. Unfortunately, most of our ideas remain just ideas – we rarely find the courage to realize them. This inaction needs to be addressed – idea formulation is undoubtedly important, but it is worthless if the formed ideas don’t actualize.

My personal vice was, and still to some degree is, indecisiveness. I managed to alter my behavior by analyzing the root of the problem – I was paralyzed by the fear of making a bad decision, resulting in a freeze mindset. When I reframed indecisiveness as something that is as destructive as a bad decision, however, I was freed. In reality, indecision is a decision – a decision not to act. We often view indecision as a 0 on the scale of good vs. bad decisions, with good decisions being a 1 and bad decisions being a -1, but this is a false premise. Involuntary indecision is a -1 in absolute terms. A bad decision, contrary to popular belief, is often a positive in absolute terms. Bad decisions promote growth by presenting valuable opportunities to learn through failure, while indecision results in stagnation. Shifting my mindset to reflect these thoughts allowed me to act more freely, and the more I practiced choosing one option over the other, the more effective my decision-making became.

There are two types of perfectionists – the ones who use their perfectionism as an asset and master their craft and the ones who are immobilized by their perfectionism. Unfortunately, the perfectionists who take advantage of their obsession are in the minority. This is precisely why it is possible to see brilliant people with so much untapped potential rotting away in jobs and places that aren’t meant for them. I was, and still to some degree remain, in the same boat, and while I am not suggesting that I am brilliant, I know that I am capable. Knowing that you are capable, however, is rarely enough when your brain is wired to desire perfection and reject anything that comes short of it. So, when I graduated from university, I was sucked into funemployment, a sort of limbo state of existence. Of course, part of the reason was that I didn’t want to pursue a career in the field that I studied (I didn’t want to work as an economist regardless of how riveting I found the science in university), but that didn’t excuse my overall inaction in life. My fixation on achieving perfection and excessive self-critique were the biggest roadblocks to attaining perfection itself. This year, however, I am employing a different tactic – I am shooting my arrows toward success and as long as they land near the bullseye, I will be content.

I could approach this from a spiritual perspective and echo the sayings of traditional healers and spiritual insta-bloggers, but the truth is better understood in simple terms. The way we love ourselves sets an example of how we want to be treated and determines what behaviors we accept from others. If we don’t respect our own time, other people won’t either. If we don’t love our bodies, others won’t either. If we don’t believe in our own capabilities and talents, others won’t either.

As I continue my venture into adulthood, it becomes increasingly apparent that adults are adolescents who pay credit card bills and book their own doctors’ appointments. Yes, hopefully, we are wiser at 25 compared to 15, but we will also be wiser at 35 compared to 25, and so on. Essentially, I think the “adult” label doesn’t quite fit dynamic beings because it implies that our development reaches its full potential around the age of 20. In reality, our mental development is ongoing as long as we are alive. We fall into a trap of our own making – expecting too much from our inexperienced selves and depriving ourselves of the freedom to make mistakes. Overburdened with the idea that as adults, we need to have it all figured out – a house, a family, a career – we end up burned out or dissatisfied with our lives, or both. Our concept of “adulthood” robs us of our happiness, because it doesn’t forgive missteps or consider continuous growth and change. We should be wiser, however, and treat ourselves as we would our teenage selves – prioritizing continual learning and growth rather than rushing through life to conform to unrealistic notions of adulthood. If we want to live happy, fulfilled lives, we need to accept that it's okay to still be learning how to live, even at the ripe age of 70 and beyond.

Eleven-thousand-five-hundred-seven unopened emails could be found in my mailbox at the time that I was writing this article. Translate that number to reflect a human settlement and you will get a town of a decent size – one with its own supermarket, police department, and town hall. The town is ever-increasing, there is absolutely no border control and there are at least ten new inhabitants each day. The inhabitants seem to mostly come from the land of Newsletters – a scary place from what I gather, because no one wants to stay there. Every newsletter email is looking for a way out, a new mailbox to call home.

Now that we’ve put the sheer scale of these emails into perspective, we can abandon the metaphors and call these emails what they actually are – digital clutter. The hundreds of pictures on my phone of the same object with slight variations in angles are also clutter. Similarly, clothing I no longer wear is clutter. I used to feel like a piece of chewing gum, involuntarily collecting whatever was in my way. It felt as though stuff just stuck to me, and no matter how many times I had “cleaned” my space – both physical and digital – the stuff would reappear and establish its ever-lasting presence in my life.

Noticing the ineffectiveness of my random “spring cleanings,” I had decided to employ a more direct approach:

1. Opening emails daily and deleting and unsubscribing from newsletters I no longer read.

2. Purging my camera roll according to months and continuing to clean it monthly on the regular.

3. Donating or recycling clothing I no longer wear and scheduling declutter days twice a year.

While none of the above seems radical or difficult to put into practice, the effects are surprisingly impactful on my overall wellbeing. It felt liberating not to have thousands of random emails, which I had to mentally ignore every time I opened my mailbox. Having a curated camera roll meant that it was easier to find pictures I loved. A well-organized closet brought my favorite clothes into view and reignited my interest in fashion. De-cluttering my space was like donning prescription glasses and seeing the world with newfound clarity.

I became a cinephile at 18. That summer, after graduating from high school, I developed an evening ritual – watching a movie every night. The first movie I remember watching was American Beauty. Afterward, I found myself pondering topics that hadn’t occurred to me before. I rewatched the film three or four times since then, noticing new details. Tonight, I’ll watch Big Fish, and I invite you to join me and share your thoughts. We might even make this a tradition – a movie club of sorts.

Yes, I mean the trees outside. No, I promise I’m not weird. Look, I myself was skeptical at first, but one day, after reading about the benefits of physical contact with nature, I hugged a tree in the woods and felt an unusual calmness. Unlike people or pets, trees stand tall and strong, and the feelings that arise when hugging a tree are of a different sense of safety and stability – think about it, trees are the only huggable living beings that are 30 meters tall. Following my first friendly encounter in the woods, I developed a liking for a specific ash tree, which I now regularly visit. I also spoke to it, and for the first time in a long while, I felt that the universe heard me. The ash tree became a friend and, without any words, eased my worries and healed my soul.

I love the sun – the warmth and the fact that it helps me synthesize vitamin D – but I don’t want to develop skin cancer or look like a prune when I’m 40. Neither do you, I hope. So please, use mineral, oxybenzone-free sunscreen every day. And yes, you will still get a tan with sunscreen on.

Your brain creates new neural pathways when you work on math problems. These freshly baked pathways sharpen your logical reasoning, problem-solving, and analytical skills, making you a smarter you.

I’m not a dentist, but I am a 25-year-old who’s never had a cavity. Does that make me an authority on oral hygiene? Probably not, but this is my blog, and I’ll share my thoughts regardless. You need to floss at least once a day because you don’t want food debris stuck in your teeth – it’s nasty. Brush your teeth twice daily (for two minutes minimum!) with fluoride toothpaste. Never, and I mean never, rinse your mouth afterward because you want the fluoride to work its magic and protect your enamel, preventing cavities. Use a tongue scraper and mouthwash, and ensure that fluoride is the last thing that touches your teeth before sleep.

Everyone talks about the importance of traveling, but few people mention that you can travel while looking at art. When I lived in London, I would regularly visit the National Gallery and embark on voyages to distant lands and time periods. Looking at Paul Delaroche’s The Execution of Lady Jane Grey, I would be in Tudor England. Observing Peter Paul Rubens’ landscapes, I would be transported to the countryside of Brabant. The artworks are gifts from the masters to humanity – carefully crafted windows into the past – and museums are time machines that transport us to distant, foreign lands.